Just Who is in Charge Here?

It's easy to see someone else doing something wonderful and think that I need to fit into that same vein of wonderful. In that moment, that one topic or angle is all I can see as important. And it can make me feel inadequate if that kind of wonderful isn't the focus of my life.

As a writer, I have big aspirations for my books. I want them to be exciting and entertaining, but also meaningful. So, it's easy to waver on what my story's about depending on what I see other people doing at the time. I read a book with a clever social message. Hey, maybe I should try to do that in my book! I meet an author who proclaims Jesus boldly in every chapter. Maybe my book should be more explicitly Christian. And wow, this nonfiction book was so impactful to me. Maybe fiction itself is a waste of time. What's the point of making something up if real life itself is so inspiring?

And so I try to insert things into my story to make it better, but it doesn't seem to fit in. When I think about the parts of my story that excite me the most, I rarely picture all the good elements I threw in because I felt guilty or was comparing myself to others. Which then makes me feel even more guilty, because if this element isn't central enough to appear in my hook sentence, obviously that means my priorities are screwed up.

It's frustrating. VERY frustrating. But I do it to myself.

I have a bad habit of complicating everything I do. It's not enough to just do it; I have to figure out the best method of going about things, then second-guess every element and change a bunch of things--supposedly for the better. It's a quality that can make me very good at what I do.... or it can leave me conflicted over what really needs fixing and what is perfect just the way it is.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't have as much control as I thought I did over what my book is like. I write from the perspectives of guys pretty much all the time. I like branching out for shorter projects, but I'm wired for male protagonists. And that's fine. I like adventure, gritty battles, and echoing stone corridors. I tend to write about being enslaved, whether it be physical enslavement or being chained to a part of yourself that you want more than anything to shake. Now, ideas are my kingdom, and I do like exploring the different parts of it. I look forward to branching out and trying new things in the future, but there are still going to be certain things that just won't work for me. And, I certainly don't have to stuff every good idea I've ever had into my first book. I have plenty of books yet to dream up. I can recycle.

So, I've pretty much accepted that the best way for me to write a book is to just do me, but there's a problem. What if violence is wrong? What if writing a story in which the main appeal is a life-or-death struggle is glorifying the wrong thing? And here I run into a tendency to second-guess myself again, because it's okay if what I produce is good without being fantastic, but what if it is actually BAD?

Then deeper thought led me to a breakthrough.

Even though I write about a world and characters very different from what I see around me, my values and beliefs still reflect in everything I pen. So, I kind of doubt that I will accidentally write a horrifyingly gruesome battle scene when I personally am not very aggressive. And even if I don't write a story that preaches the cross from every page, my beliefs will organically shape the content. I have seen how Jesus positions people where they can do the most good and keep learning. That is why the good guys always win in the end (but often not until then). I know that redemption is real, so no matter how hopeless the MC feels, come book three, the light will start shining into his life and making everything clear. My reality is that sin is rampant and ugly, but Jesus is good, and He reigns over all.

My books aren't mine to "fix," because what God has given me to write is not broken. And I don't have to force my characters into spiritual conversations to spring teaching moments on my readers. As the events unfold, the characters will naturally reflect on what is happening around them. Initially, the conclusions they draw may be lies. But over the course of the book/trilogy, the lies will begin to break down, and the truth will become plain.

I don't need to manipulate my story to make it effective. Because of my foundation, because of who I am as an author, the story will have meaning if I just let the plot unfold naturally.

And, as a bonus, I'll be less likely to drive myself crazy that way.