I'm Happier than I Used to Be

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am really good at overthinking things, but as I look back over my seventeen years of life, I am glad to find that I have gotten better. And I'm happier than I used to be.

Ironically, I used to dread growing up. I was a rebel in my own way, and I rebelled against the norm that kids longed for adulthood and the freedoms it would bring, only to grow up and wish they could be kids again. I decided that being a kid was the best thing ever, and every day that passed brought me closer and closer to the dreaded responsibilities of adulthood.

The thing is, I was really, really bad at appreciating the so-called greatest time of my life. I wasted a lot of time worrying that I was wasting time. I would tell myself to hoard every moment, because as time would pass, I would lose things. I distinctly remember one New Year's Day that I woke up before the rest of the family and wandered around the quiet house mourning the loss of another year.

More recently, though, I've come to realize that, yes, when time passes, you can never go back to visit the things that have changed; however, every year that passes is another year gained, not lost. Every year is great in its own way. I close each year with more fond memories tucked away to revisit later. I also struggle a lot every year. During high school alone, I have experienced more of the world and stepped out in a lot of ways. It was hard and often really unpleasant. Sometimes it felt like everything was falling apart around me, and soon there would be nothing left.

I resisted a lot of change initially, but now I am beginning to embrace it. I have grown enough in confidence that I stopped blaming myself for everything and instead blamed others (for a time). But now I am learning to forgive both myself and others, and the burdens I have collected and carried around for years are falling away.

I experienced depression for one semester of school, and since I couldn't manage to focus during that time, I fell far behind. However, I recovered and managed to complete the year on time with straight A's in spite of the setback. Ever since, I have been monitoring my mental health and discovering new ways to shape and care for my mind.

The more hurdles come my way, the more I am forced to stop balking and jump. I am finding that with the recent years I've gained, I am freer than I have ever been, more confident than I have ever been, more trusting in Jesus than I have ever been. I can now look forward to every step I will be taking forward in life, because I am making an effort now to enjoy and appreciate my present experience.

Contrary to the speculations of my earlier years, I am actually happier in 2019 than I was in whatever year I mourned the loss of. Because it's good to grow, and I intend to grow tall.

Onward!